Evil Conspiracies Aren't as Fun as You Think!
by cresmoon
Summary: Chapter 2 is up. When we last left our antiheroes, Caroline was going to cheat on Paul Kellerman with Mahone...
1. Chapter 1

Title: Evil conspiracies aren't as fun as you think!

Rating: PG? Again, I have no clue. This has the word 'damn' in it for any of you Puritans out there reading this. And there's also a toilet humor joke of sorts.

Genre: humor/crackfic

Disclaimer: I don't own _PB_ and I'm not making any money off this.

Summary: Caroline Reynolds, aka the Evil VP who is now just the P, is engaged to Paul Kellerman, aka the Evil Guy in a Black Suit who runs around doing the conspiracy stuff. But Paul is not happy w/his evil fiancé spending all her time on her evil conspiracy and Caroline is even unhappier. What are they going to do?

Note: The crackfic is back, baby! Blame this one on someone at the _PB_ TWOP boards asking if there's any Caroline/Kellerman fic out there, and also on the back-to-back episodes of _American Dad _and _Family Guy_ I just watched. I wrote this because I feel silly so it's just a plus (but a very nice plus) if people read and review. Again, like with my other fics, do NOT expect any reality from this!

Paul Kellerman sat in the one of the rooms of the White House. He had no more conspiracy leaks to kill. He'd eaten all his beef jerky out of sheer boredom (though it had been very tasty, especially the teriyaki kind). And as usual, Caroline was off being EVIL in her office and had asked not to be disturbed.

Paul sighed in frustration. When he and Caroline first got engaged, it had been great. No stupid Evil conspiracy to bother with! No running around after Lincoln Burrows or feeding Steadman Gerber's baby food. But ever since Caroline killed the old P and Lincoln Burrows escaped, Caroline had become an Evil overworking machine! Damn it! Paul had no idea how to deal with it. It's not like there were books in the pop psychology section titled _How to Deal With Your Evil Fiance (Who is Now the President of the Country and Trying To Control the Conspiracy Behind Her So-Called "Dead" Toothless Brother) For Dummies_. Paul knew that. He tried to ask the clerk at the local Borders for that title and only got a really weird out look in response.

Paul sighed mournfully. This was supposed to be such a happy time for them! They were supposed to have conversations about where they were going to go for their honeymoon, not about whether if pureed lima beans would give Steadman so much gas that he'd fart and give away the fact that he wasn't dead after all.

He was going to have to talk to her, Paul decided. Overworking wasn't good, even if you had an evil conspiracy to run.

Paul cautiously went to Caroline's office and knocked on the door. "Caroline?" he called out hesitantly. Hearing no response, he slowly opened the door and stepped inside.

Caroline had been working furiously. Apparently she'd falled asleep at her desk again for the fourth time in a week. One side of her hair looked hole-punched. She did NOT look happy. Especially at Paul. Paul shrank back in fear catching the glowering look on her face.

"Um, honey, I just wanted to ask if you wanted to go see _Snakes on a Plane!_ with me," stammered Paul.

The glare did not fade from Caroline's eyes. "Sweetiekins?" Caroline asked in a very meanly sweet voice. Uh oh. Busted!

"Yes…" whimpered Paul.

"Let me ask you something…can you read?" Caroline's voice got steelier with every word.

"Well, of course, lovie-wuvie," said Paul as he pointed to the Hooked on Phonics t-shirt he wore (Caroline had given it to him for Christmas).

"Well then, did you somehow miss the Do Not Disturb sign that I put ON MY DOOR!" yelled Caroline.

"Oh baby, no no, I didn't, I swear! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I know how stressed out you are!" Paul rushed forward to placate his obviously stressed (but still very Evil) fiancé. "It's just that you've been working so hard and you never have time for anything else anymore! I just thought we'd go out and have some fun, that's all!"

"I don't have time for fun!" wailed Caroline. She sounded practically hysterical. "I'm in charge of an evil conspiracy, you moron! Do you think it's easy to pull out 36 teeth with tweezers and then superglue them all back in place! You try it sometime! Now get out of my office and let me get back to my work! And get me a Three Musketeers bar!"

"Yes, darling, right away," gulped Paul. "Can I get you some Midol too, um I mean, would you like anything to drink wi-" WHAM! His sentence was abruptly cut off as Caroline threw a heavy copy of _Evil: You Have to Work At It _right at him. He ran out of the room and shut the door behind him as fast as he could.

Close to tears still in her office, Caroline buried her head in her arms. She had no idea how to deal with her situation. Lincoln Burrows and Michael Scofield were still running around alive and that crazy Governor Tancredi wouldn't leave her alone just because she promised she'd make him VP. And if that all weren't bad enough…Caroline was starting to find that Agent Mahone guy (who was chasing the Fox River fugitives) kind of hot…hmm…

Caroline picked up the phone on her own, private secure line and dialed a number. "Hello, FBI? Hi, this is the President. Yeah, do you think that hot Agent Mahone guy might want to go see a movie tonight? I have free passes for _Snakes on a Plane_…"

Note: Thanks for reading my crazy fic! If I feel inspired again (and if people like this chapter) I may write a sequel: will Caroline really cheat on Kellerman? Does Agent Mahone want to see _Snakes on a Plane_? Will Wentworth Miller finally marry me? Oops, never mind that last one. 


	2. Chapter 2

Rating: PG and possibly above for one pseudo-bad word and some sexual innuendo (sort of).

Genre: humor/crackfic

Disclaimer: I don't own _PB_ and I'm not making any money off this.

Summary: This is the next chapter to Evil Conspiracies. When we last left, Paul was upset about Caroline overworking and Caroline was contemplating cheating on Paul with Mahone. Here's what happens next.

Note: This is a continuation of the really silly first chapter of this humorfic I wrote a while back. I am poking fun at certain things in the _PB_ universe such as all the gushing over Wentworth Miller (though I LOVE him), the Michael/Sara shipper craziness (though I'm a diehard M/S shipper too) and the surprising amount of Michael/Mahone slashfic out there. My fun-poking is all in good fun but if you're particularly sensitive or protective of those things, just be warned. It's nothing harsh, mostly just silly. Like with my other fics, this is only supposed to be funny, not realistic or reflecting anything canon-ish.

Caroline Reynolds sat in her chair, bored out of her mind while Alex Mahone rambled on and on and on. If he didn't talk about Pam, then he talked about his son. But worst of all was when he brought up Michael Scofield. Michael was so brilliant. Michael was so smart. Michael broke out of prison. Michael got a million tattoos. Honestly, did Mahone know any other words except "Michael Scofield"? Ugh! This was their third date (Paul was so clueless he had no idea Caroline was cheating) and the only thing Caroline had managed to find out about Alex was that he had a thing for Michael Scofield. Oh, good grief.

Abruptly Caroline pushed her chair back and stood up. Even a whiny Paul wasn't worth this.

Alex looked surprised. "What's the matter? Where are you going? We just got here."

"Alex, did you ever see that episode of _Friends_ where Ross learns that Carol is a lesbian?," asked Caroline irritably as she rummaged in her purse for her car keys.

Alex frowned. "There was no such episode. The show started off with the one where Ross moves out and Rachel runs away from her wedding."

Caroline rolled her eyes. "I'm talking about another episode, you moron. The one where it's some kind of weird alternate universe and Phoebe is a stockbroker and Monica is still fat and Ross and Carol try to have a threesome with Susan. That one! Get it from Netflix!"

Alex took out his PDA and carefully added the words 'Netflix membership' after the words 'kiss my Michael Scofield Wanted poster' and 'see if I can get Michael Scofield's picture put on my underroos.' "Okay."

Caroline sighed even more irritably. "You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?"

"Um, well, no, not really," said Alex.

Caroline glared at him. "Ross finally realizes that his wife is a lesbian. Sound familiar?"

Alex looked confused. "So you're trying to tell me you're a lesbian?"

"No, you idiot, I'm trying to tell you that you're one!"

Alex looked even more confused. "But I can't be a lesbian. I'd have to be a woman!"

Caroline was about ready to shriek in frustration. "I don't mean that you're a lesbian, I mean that you're gay! (Not that there's anything wrong with that). All you do is talk about Michael Scofield every single time we meet! You're totally obsessed with him!"

"Now, Caroline, that's not true," protested Alex. "Just because Michael is hot, er I mean good-looking, smart, nicely tattooed and well-dressed with beautiful blue eyes (which often look hazel depending on the sunlight and surrounding environment) does NOT mean that I'm gay. I'm just…admiring his…breaking out skills. Yeah, that's it," mumbled Alex as he surreptitiously tried to dispose of his napkin on which he'd doodled 'Michael+Alex 4-ever! Screw that Tancredi bitch!'

"Oh, really?" Caroline's nostrils flared. "Well, fine then. Why don't you just go date him instead?" She threw her napkin down on the dinner table and stormed off in the opposite direction.

Just as she was reaching the front door:

"Well, I would but I don't think he likes me!" wailed Alex. "Do you think maybe I should try a different cologne? I mean, what is it that Sara Tancredi has that I don't, huh? What?!"

About ready to give in to the urge to let out that shriek of frustration, Caroline stalked out the door and slammed it shut. Then suddenly, she reopened the door.

"Boobs!"

Alex slowly put his elbows on the table and thought about that. Well, of course. Scofield was a man after all and all men thought only about boobs…

Paul sniffled. As much as he hated to do it, it had to be done. He had found pictures of Caroline with that crazy nut Alex Mahone. Paul did not like to be cheated on, but particularly not with someone whom everyone knew was gay for Michael Scofield. With a heavy heart, he signed his dear John letter to Caroline:

"Hi honey,

I'm breaking up with you. Hey, at least be grateful I didn't do it on a post-it note like that jerk from _Sex in the City_. Speaking of, I lost your season two dvds so could you let me know how the season ends? My Netflix membership ran out.

-Paul

PS: You couldn't have dumped me for someone not gay for Michael Scofield?

PPS: What's so great about Scofield anyway? Just because he's hot, er, I mean, good-looking and smart and has tattoos doesn't make him Brad Pitt.

PPSS: I'm keeping the X-Box."

Author's note: Will Caroline go back to Paul? Will Paul forgive her? Will Mahone get a sex change? Tune in next time (if there is a next time). Thanks for reading!


End file.
